Content Warning: Please be advised that some of the material in this piece may be disturbing or traumatizing to some readers.
The TV glow casts shadows throughout the room. America’s Next Top Model plays quietly on the screen. The girls’ bold skin and dainty way of carrying themselves makes their presence seem bigger than the TV itself. I turn to the spread of food laid out in front of me. The greasy, day-old pasta paired with stale gummy bears and chewy pieces of bread saved from the night we ate out. For each bite, I stretch my mouth open wide and scarf down whatever my hands happen to grab. Tyra Banks pulls out a measuring tape to record each model’s bust, waist, thighs, and hips. The smallest girl smirks to herself with satisfaction, obviously enough so that the other models know what she’s thinking. The smallest crumbs on the table do the same. My insides twist in response to what was just swallowed. Disgust works its way up from my stomach to finally stop my mouth from eating more. I lock shameful eyes with Tyra and she reaches her long arms towards me while she whips her measuring tape. It wraps tightly around my wrists and she struts towards the bathroom, dragging me behind her. She throws me in front of the toilet and stares at me with her nasty smize. I know what she expects me to do. I assume position-hair tied into a scraggly, tangled bun, strong right hand pressed against my fat, and rashy left hand down my throat. With every vile and loathsome jolt, I feel my legs getting smaller, my stretch marks melting away. My right hand pushes further and further into my stomach until it deflates into my spine. Then, and only then, my left hand removes itself. My legs tremble as I try to find my feet. I tell myself not to look in the mirror and look at the splotchy, tear-stained, purple and red mess that I am not in the mood to be reminded of. Instead, I’m reminded of the girls’ voices from the TV.
The TV glow casts ▇▇▇▇▇▇ My body ▇▇ bigger ▇▇▇ every greasy ▇▇▇ bite, a new roll protrudes out from my abdomen. ▇▇▇▇▇ thighs and hips. ▇▇▇▇▇ waist. The tiny ▇▇▇ girls on TV sneer at me with ▇▇ Disgust ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ bathroom ▇ I ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ scraggly, ▇▇▇▇▇ fat, ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ vile and loathsome ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇ further and further into my stomach ▇▇ my left hand removes itself. My legs tremble ▇▇▇▇▇. I look in the mirror, seeing ▇▇ a ▇▇▇▇▇ red mess, not ▇▇ the girl▇ on ▇▇ TV.
Bigger ▇▇ hips, ▇▇▇▇ waist.
Disgust ▇▇ hide ▇▇▇▇ the bathroom ▇
fat, ▇▇ in the mirror, ▇.
