Every time I drive home from my grandparents’ house, I stop by Pea Soup Andersen’s. My shirt is usually stuck to my back with sweat like plastic shrink wrap, or tightly bound wrapping paper. I like Pea Soup Andersen’s because it feels like Christmas when I walk past the pastries and ornaments to the dark bathroom. It appears when most needed. The southbound 101 gets particularly long in Buellton, and one time someone told me that pea soup was full of fiber, and many other necessary-for-life nutrients, like sometimes-bacon, or if you could feel a warm hug on the inside of your stomach.
I know why the cars get backed up. It’s a fiber thing. You get too much or you get too little and the result is always the same. For optimal fiber intake, I suggest apples or pears. Dense liquids are never a bad idea if pea soup is
readily available in your area. I am partial to oatmeal with chia seeds on top. I also think kisses from loved ones should release some tension, a good night’s sleep on a nice cushy pillow. No one gets enough sleep these days.
They say veggies are a good source of fiber, too. My preferred way of ensuring I get plenty of greens is to lie with my nose flat in the dirt, and chew on grass
until my tongue hurts from the prickly side. If I lie long enough, freckles pop out on my neck, and doctors usually want to hang out with me more. No one minds the dirt in your teeth if it means you’re regular. The traffic is punishing when your destination peeks at you from behind black clouds, like how June means summer but it actually means darkness. Charcoal smoke pours out of exhausts and the exhaustion keeps everyone clawing for something to wake them up, or the promise
of movement as soon as they wake up from behind
the wheel. And if you don’t go right when
your feet hit the floor, something might be wrong.
Steinbeck said some people are born monsters, but I
think more people are born constipated. That’s why people drive slower on the freeway when there is something to look at besides the road ahead. They all hope it’s a shit show and that pastries and ornaments and a dark bathroom will appear. ▲